The only hazard to crocheting is that it mesmerizes my cats and they tend to chew on the yarn and I come up short, having to retie the ends together to continue on!  It’s relatively cheap (about $50 per large afghan—much less for a baby afghan, and scraps are great for toys and small items).  What I really love about it is that it’s easy to stop whenever I need to and pick up later.  It helps reduce stress because I can focus on something other than work or my problems, and it keeps my hands and mind busy, while forcing me to sit still for a while.

I made this one in the picture for myself because I have a purple couch this color, and one like it in blue for Deanna.  Debby got a teal one that unraveled (oops!), so I made her a new one in pink and ecru in a different pattern.  But I love this particular pattern.

One thing I really miss about dancing is the immediate praise you get while performing a combination. Either you’re doing it all right and don’t get any attention, you’re doing something wrong and get a correction (which is not a bad thing at all), or you’re doing it really well and get praise like, “Good girl, Tammy!” That was my favorite one from my favorite teacher, Melissa Lowe. J It was always my goal while doing turns across the floor or grand allegro to have her take notice and give me a “Good girl!” shout. And when I was teaching I made it a point to take notice when someone was pushing extra hard, or putting into practice a correction I’d given them, by saying something positive to them.

When I was dancing, I know for a fact that praise did way more for my technical improvement than negative feedback. Some teachers I could just tell didn’t like me for some reason or another, and nothing I could do would get a nod of approval. Once I took an entire class where the teacher hated how I put my weight over the ball of my supporting foot when working on one leg. This was major. It was how I’d been taught to stand when doing tendus with the working leg, for instance. She wanted the weight to stay exactly where it had been when standing on two feet in 1^st position. So I’d move into a tendu and fall over without hanging onto the barre for dear life. It was very odd and I never went back to her class again. I was also in severe pain for at least week afterward.

Now I’m working on bringing this validation and praise home. I realize that I pick at my own kids for the things I wish they didn’t do (“Your room is a mess! Pick up all these clothes—either put them away or put them in the dirty clothes basket!”) rather than praising them for the things they are doing right. “Thanks for emptying the dishwasher when I asked you to. It makes life a lot easier for everyone when we help each other out.”

Praise. Give it sincerely and give it often when deserved. It will improve this world. You never know what hassles people are going through in their personal lives, so showing praise for a job well done at work or in ballet class can sometimes be what is getting someone through the day.

So instead of thinking, “Wow, I’m so dumb and this is all my fault”, I should take myself out of the picture and think, “This is an interesting challenge and I’m sure I can figure out what’s causing the database to behave this way.”  That is my goal.  To begin to think more rationally instead of wigging out for no reason.  I’m doing much better.  Work hasn’t gotten me upset for at least two months now, and I think that’s a record!

Now I have to learn how to interact better with my daughter.  When she has an emotional outburst or is full of anxiety I need to use words to figure out what happened to get her to that place.  If we can figure that out together then we can do something about it.  Otherwise this anxiety builds up until she can’t bear it and does something harmful to herself.  The word I’m supposed to remember is MOVE.  Move means to mirror.  If she says, “I’m so anxious!”  I repeat, “Wow, you’re really anxious.”  (Mirror)  O doesn’t mean anything except to make the word move, and then you go to V, which is validate.  “You’ve been under a lot of stress lately so I can see why you might feel anxious.”  I need to really work on validating.  Everyone needs to feel validated, and I’m working on weaving this into my daily interactions with all people, not just my kids.  E is to empathize.  After you validate, you empathize by saying, “I know what it feels like to be anxious, and it’s no fun.  Let’s figure out what’s causing this anxiety so we can do something about it.”

It’s pretty interesting stuff.  The other major thing we’re discussing is being mindful.  Take notice of what’s happening in this moment without putting any judgments on anything.  We tend to draw conclusions based on what we see or perceive without really knowing all the facts, and it’s best not to do that.  Even when you find yourself making judgments, don’t judge yourself on the fact that you’re judging!  Just take notice.  Oh, and breathe.

So, I’m sitting here in my new townhouse that I had built for myself and my kids.  My husband and I have been separated twice in the last year and I don’t see us getting back together.  I’m okay with that and I’ve finally stopped grieving over my lost marriage.  It happens, unfortunately.  People change.  My oldest child, Deanna, is going to school in the Czech Republic still and absolutely loves it.  Debby will be starting there for her high school this fall.  The schools here in the states are really difficult with lots of bullying, and my girls were wrought with anxiety and depression in them.  It’s worth it to send them to a Baha’i school where we know they will be happy and successful, even though it’s terribly far from home and we will miss them.  I’m looking forward to having Deanna home for the whole summer!

Thomas is thriving.  He will go to a new school near my new house next fall, too, and will be starting 1st grade.  This summer he’s going to attend a camp invention, where he will take apart a computer keyboard and learn about inventing things.  He’s great with legos and I think he will really get a lot out of it.  For now, we are swimming in our new pool which is really nice, playing Wii, and playing with legos all the time.

I love my new place.  It’s very homey and just the right size.  Not too big to handle or clean, with a kitchen that’s perfect.  It’s very open, too, which I love.  Working at home here has been a dream.  I have such a wonderful job that allows me to work from home three days a week.

The cats are acclimating nicely, too.  They play outside almost all day and then come in at night to either sleep or chase each other around the house.  I never know for sure if I’m going to get a good night’s rest or not, depending on what kind of mood the cats are in.

Well, it’s time for me to go to a meeting.  But I’ll be back and will start writing again.  Hope you have a great day!

Two weekends ago I noticed Jude was walking funny, with his hind end lifted up and his back legs seemingly sore.  Debby and I took him to the Carolina Veterinary Specialists who operate 24/7 on the weekends, and didn’t learn much of anything.  They did give us some medication to give him for pain and had instructions to take him to our regular vet if anything else came up.

Tuesday I noticed a hole beginning to develop at the base of Jude’s tail; it was some kind of abcess that just looked horrible.  It was at least the diameter of a quarter coin.  I rushed him to the vet who gave me antibiotics, and said that the stuff coming out of it was just dead tissue (which was why it smelled so bad).  Well, when that stuff started coming out again on Friday, I called up the vet and insisted on having them take another look.  Yes, it did appear to be fecal matter coming from the hole.  They sedated Jude to take a better look and ended up stitching his colon that had a tear in it.

The vet has kept Jude since then (it has been 5 days now) and wants to keep him until Saturday this week.  They said he probably ate something he shouldn’t have that punctured through his colon, but they aren’t really sure what happened to cause this terrible condition.  At first they fed him non-bulk foods to give the colon and stitches time to heal up a bit.  Yesterday after feeding him regular food, the news looked bleak on his ability to survive, but today they watched him go potty and everything came out where it was supposed to.

They are also only going to charge me boarding fees instead of regular hospital stay fees because he’s been such a good boy and they haven’t had to do much outside of flushing out the abcess everyday.  And the surgeon isn’t charging me for stitching Jude up because 1. he didn’t ask me first and 2. he’d never done the procedure before.

So, I’ve been posting statuses on Jude’s progress on Facebook everyday this past week and thought I’d write up a whole blog to catch anyone interested up on the story.  It’s surely not as interesting to most as it is to me, but he’s my cat.  Just sayin. 

I miss her.  We all miss her, probably my daughter Debby misses her even more sorely than the rest of us.  She told my mom that she misses coming home from school everyday and having Deanna already here.  They used to hang out all the time and do things together.  But we have email and skype, thank goodness! 

She is also blogging about her adventures at http://www.whileiminczech.tumblr.com. 

This week my husband and daughters are on a pilgrimage to the Baha’i temples and holy places in Haifa and Akka, Israel. My son is staying with my mother-in-law a state away until Friday. I went to the supermarket on Sunday for my usual weekly shopping, realizing I need not buy things for kids who won’t be here for another week, filling my cart instead with a few fresh fruits and several frozen dinners. What the heck—I also needed a new pair of sweat pants so I bought those, too. It was weird filling up the cart for myself and no one else. It was lonely, too.

Yesterday was Sunday. After my son was picked up for his week-long trip I took a nap. Then I went to Walmart and came back home to unload. It was only 3:00 and I had all my weekend duties finished (shopping, cleaning, laundry, the usual stuff), so I called my sister and we decided to go swimming together. That was fun but lasted only about 45 minutes and I was back home by 4:30. I did a few crosswords (I can only do the easy ones) and tried to nap again to no avail. I changed a light bulb in the kitchen and decided to move the small TV and stand to the front living room, where I’d noticed cable outlets behind the couch. They must be data outlets because the TV didn’t work there. I ate my frozen dinner and talked to my cat, who decided to go outside to spend the whole night. I did some more crosswords, paid some bills online and checked my email and facebook. I walked a mile. Then I decided to pick out my clothes for work since I’ll be going in everyday now instead of working from home three days a week. I ended up ironing about five blouses so I’ll be set for the whole week. These are the ways I banish loneliness when I have no other choice.

The doctor said that I seemed far away. I told her that I feel like I’m in this body, walking around, going here to get this or that, coming home, but not really feeling like I’m present. It’s that fogginess thing people with Fibromyalgia can relate to well. She said she felt like I needed a jolt of electricity, but she wasn’t prescribing that…thank goodness! Anyway, I won’t be lonely too much longer. The kids come home on Friday and I’ll have them for a week before my husband has them again for his week. Loneliness will be banished then.

Each stitch, ever so carefully sewn, placed just so on the beautiful tapestry of life, adding color and charm and delight.

One thousand stitches complete the flowers representing each of three lovely children.

One million stitches make the garden that houses them all, standing for marriage and a fortress for well-being.

Stitches for the sky, the sun, more flowers…too many to count.

Glass ornaments, butterflies, birds, trellises and feeders, all representing the fragility of life.

One stitch comes loose.

Then another.

In no time at all the entire tapestry is frayed, falling apart at the seams.

What went wrong?  At which stitch do I pick up and begin anew?  Will it ever appear as lovely again?

And what of the rain that now streams from my eyes…will it fade the colors, or mute them into another beautiful hue…

Only time will tell, and it is time to move forward, pick up the needle and begin to mend the tapestry.